Lounging in an ambient cafe with a hot cup of joe, chatting with a cherished friend—who can resist? Time flies with news of family and friends, stories of the hustle and bustle of life, and sometimes even touched with closely held life philosophies. Such pleasant conversation lends to feelings of quaint nostalgia. Could such sentimental emotion be a yearning to return to a simpler time?
Have we reached a time when we seldom talk to each other but simply entertain one another, and rather than exchange ideas, we exchange images1? Mark Twain may have said it best, “Let us make a special effort to stop communicating with each other, so we can have some conversation.”
The question begs, “What is conversation, and how do we move from simply communicating to having those sought-out real conversations?” Or, should we first consider what “real” conversation is not? 18th-century writer Samuel Johnson had this to say, “We had talk enough but no conversation; there was nothing discussed2.”
When I think of ‘nothing discussed,’ chitchat comes to mind. But oh, how I have longed for the ability to chitchat—that small talk, a light and casual conversation, that goes so far in society.
Healthy interaction would seem to center around engaging communication, casual talk, AND real conversation. Of course, communicating goes without saying. Any relationship without communication is a sad affair. As to light and casual conversation or chit-chatting, we cannot have in-depth interactions with everyone we meet. We would get little accomplished! And with real conversations—you can hardly get there without some form of communication or casual conversation.
Of these three, if anything is missing in our lives, it is likely “real” conversation. But again, what is real conversation, and why is it so important? No better place to discover than through WHAT PEOPLE SAY. Here are a few thoughts…
“A real conversation always contains an invitation. You are inviting another person to reveal herself or himself to you, to tell you who they are or what they want.” ― David Whyte
“It’s no company at all, when people know nothing and say nothing,’ she muttered.” ― Emily Brontë, Wuthering Heights
“Surely only boring people went in for conversations consisting of questions and answers. The art of true conversation consisted in the play of minds. ― Ved Mehta, All For Love
“Good communication is as stimulating as black coffee and just as hard to sleep after.” ― Anne Morrow Lindbergh, Gift from the Sea
And, finally…
“The art of conversation is the art of hearing as well as of being heard.” ― William Hazlitt, Selected Essays, 1778-1830
These expressions of real conversation are insightful. Seeing conversation as an invitation to another is helpful. And practicing the art of hearing is a challenge for most of us.
For another look at real conversation, I have hanging over my fireplace a rustic country sign reading, Sit Long ❤️ Talk Much. Being a mainstay in my home for over 20 years, this sign represents a sentiment I have embraced.
But somewhere along the way, busyness took front and center. “Sit Long” became collapsing at the end of the day, and “Talk Much” became more communicating than anything. This did not transpire overnight but gradually over time. Not to say that those years were not amazing. They were! I loved them, and I would do them all over again. But if I did experience those years anew, I hope I would not lose sight of the value of conversation with many across the spectrum of my life.
The reason Sit Long, Talk Much still hangs over my fireplace may be the same reason I have embraced a new favorite word, kaffeeklatsch! I discovered it quite by accident while reading a medical book, of all things. Kaffeeklatsch is of German origin, which means an informal gathering for coffee and conversation.
Why do these phrases and words resonate so much with me? They take me back to another time, such as when a song brings back sentimental memories. A time when I most cherished coffee and conversation. A time when I was pressed in from all sides with a chronic illness with unfathomable fatigue. Coffee greeted me in the morning and kept me awake throughout the day. I was too tired to do much of anything beyond struggling through work and caring for my family. But I cherished every loved one, every friend, every soul who would sit down with me for a cup of coffee, a long conversation, a “real” conversation.
Over time, though I never lost my love of coffee, a healed body and an active life with aging children changed the dynamic of time I made for long, real conversations. But I never stopped missing it—hearing the stories and reflections of those surrounding me.
As my life has slowed, I am on a journey of rediscovery of real and true conversation with dear friends and family who, whether they know it or not, are helping me along the way. And now, as I slow down and contemplate, I find joy in penning my sentiments, thoughts, and ideas.
Feature Image by Andrii Lysenko
kaffeeklatsch | coffee & conversation 